And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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