Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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