i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
