On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
