Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
