I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
