My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well you can't waste a boner
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
