yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
