I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You took a bar mat shot.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
