You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
