um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
