ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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