So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
