Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
