Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize