Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
