made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
God, I missed his penis.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
