I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i came on her dog
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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