Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
