Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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