Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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