Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
