Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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