woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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