I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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