I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
