I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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