I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think I won the penis lottery.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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