i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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