I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
