So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
