Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
