The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
