Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
