Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize