i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
