I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
