I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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