I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
