our cab driver is having phone sex.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
