I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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