waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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