Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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