Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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