My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
