your thong is hanging out like whoa
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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