I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize