My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize