dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Found your dick twin last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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