I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize