I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
