non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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